Save your marriage… or not? Divorce or stay together? If you have arrived here, then you will probably have the same issue and asking yourself how to save your marriage from divorce.
And when you are about to end up in divorce, I can imagine that you can use my help. It is very annoying for you that it has come to that. But I will help you today to solve this problem. and that is easier than you think.
Are you still not sure what you want to do? Then first read this article to determine whether you should break it or not.
Tip 1: Identify problems
If you have a relationship with each other, you will undoubtedly find it difficult to talk too much about your problems.
If you say something that you don't like, your husband will get angry. And if he does the same, how do you respond? Are you listening to his criticism or are you shaking it off?
Look critically at what is going on between you. If a divorce is in the pipeline, it means there are problems that can no longer be ignored. If it is so bad that you can no longer ignore it, it is time to take a critical look at how your relationship works.
The positive pieces are not that important right now. It is about the exact problems that play between you. Maybe you want different things right now. And I want you to know that this is completely OK.
You are not the same indididual. You are both individuals with your own wishes and preferences. And your taste does not always have to match. This does not have to cause any relationship problems.
People think you should have everything 100% in common. That is, if you want a relationship to succeed. But the reality is that this is unnecessary. It is perfectly possible to enter into a relationship without having to agree on everything.
There are enough relationships where the differences between partners are huge. For example, when one partner is much older than the other. Whether one partner has much more money than another.
The point is that you find a way to deal with these differences. Just like with the problems that can be caused by these differences.
But for that it is important that you do not see it as "wrong" that these problems exist. There is no right or wrong: there is only the result. And that's why it's so important to see what you both want.
Only then can you answer a much more important question. Will the relationship work the way it is now?
If you face a divorce, this undoubtedly means that here and there some reproaches go over the table. But I want to ask you to stop this immediately.
Yes, your relationship is not doing well. Yes there are problems. And yes, your partner has a share in it. But as long as you keep blaming each other, those problems just keep on increasing.
In the best case, you work together. In the worst case, you continue to blame each other until the divorce papers have been signed. So please do not make this mistake.
Focus on finding a solution and the shared ground. So that you can live happily ever after, if you decide to stay together.
Tip 2: Give him what he needs
I'm going to tell you some secrets that men will never tell you. They are too proud of it. Their ego is too big. And if they would tell you, they would do it in disguised language. The truth is too confrontational.
Are you ready for it? Here it comes: Men-huge ego.
Most women are well aware of this. They know that when a man is reading the map, they should not comment on where they are going. That this is similar to when she asks her husband "if she has a big ass in this dress."
But knowing something does not mean that you do it. And things often go wrong there.
How often have you done one of the following?
Commentary while your husband was doing something that would both benefit you. For example a job in the house, or a household task that you have assigned to him.
Criticized him because he is working overtime, ignoring the fact that he is doing this to make money for you.
He made fun of him in front of his friends. Realize that his limit of "ridiculous" is very low. An innocent joke at his expense, combined with a smile, often goes too far.
Men are hypersensitive when it comes to that ego. They will never tell you. But if you do some of these things, he will never thank you for it.
He will develop frustration about it. And if this frustration builds up, you can say that it has a negative impact on your relationship.
It is one of the secrets that men will never tell you, because it is very easy to dismiss it as "childish." But for men it feels lifelike. They want to be taken seriously. If you don't do that, they will feel groped in the cross.
That's because we want to feel physically strong. Someone who makes fun of us despite our physical strength is clearly not afraid of us.
And that in our head equals a lack of respect… and the feeling that we have to prove ourselves.
I know how ridiculous it is. Trust me, I wish it were different.
But this is what men don't want you to know. They will never honestly tell you how they work. And not only bad men and players or narcissists suffer from this. Every man literally struggles with this.
Let me tell you another secret about men:
This has to do just as well with the previous point. Men have a huge ego. And if you are near to a man, that ego is "triggered."
He never wants to make a mistake in your presence. He wants to feel big and strong. And realize that he is in control.
But if we know you well, then we know very well that a large part of our ego is in your hands. That with the push of a button you can literally remove our relationship and thus a part of our self-worth.
That is quite a bit of tension resting on his shoulders.
As a result, he regularly needs a break from the woman he is with. Purely so that he can pick up himself and feel that he is independent of you.
Men process their emotions differently than women. It is often thought that men consciously act aloof or have no feelings. The opposite is true.
Most men have feelings, but they are far hidden under a low sense of social norm. From primary school we are told that we should be strong and not cry. We constantly do our best to be the mentally strongest person in space.
Women are allowed to process their emotions by talking about it. Women naturally need it more. And if there was a man who needed it, then that desire has naturally grown due to social pressure.
Yes, that's a shame. Can you do something about it? No Unfortunately not.
So please give him time for himself.
Every man needs a few hours a day to relax
This might look like this:
He spends time working on a car in the garage.
He plays computer games or watches a movie.
He drinks ungodly amounts of alcohol with his friends.
He's in a band.
He is going bowling.
He does other man things.
The point is that he needs time to recover from his work. When he comes home after a long day, he doesn't want anything.
Almost every man needs a few hours a day on which he can be alone.
So that he can organize his thoughts. Can process his emotions. So that he can then pretend that they are not there again. And he can be the strong man again, whom he thinks you dream about.
Tip 3: Do you both want to work on it?
Are you willing to work on it? Before we continue with the tips about saving your relationship, a short interlude.
Suppose you have determined what the problems are. And you have decided to give your husband a little more appreciation and calm. Have you thought about how he is doing?
Many women who ask me for advice forget the role of the man. There are roughly three groups of women with relationship problems
Group 1: It's all his fault
In this case the man gets the wind from the front. He can't do anything right, and she's not willing to look at her share. I don't usually get these women in my mailbox because they are too busy putting pressure on their husbands.
Group 2: It's all my fault
If putting pressure on their husbands does not help, these women are very concerned that they have not succeeded. And they assume that they have to adapt. They realize that he will not move, and therefore choose to carry the relationship as a burden on their shoulders.
Group 3: Women who go for it and expect the same from their husbands
This is the best attitude of the three.
Decide that you want to save your relationship. But before you start, it's important to ask your husband if he wants to participate.
If he is not waiting for it, then it makes very little sense to work on it. Because you can still pull a dead horse so hard, but it doesn't get any faster. In such a case, it is almost better to divorce than to stay with a man who does not want to change and who is not open to criticism.
I know how hard that is. But I am here to help you find the best possible relationship. And if your husband simply refuses service, then you are better off with someone else.
Tip 4: Do not take action if you are emotional
Men and women work emotionally. It is one of the most important differences between men and women that we hardly talk about in our society. While it is very important.
Scientific research shows that men who are under stress feel a tremendous pressure to act. Not only that; they lose all empathy they have.
That means that they will behave in ways that others may experience as offensive. That they can burn bridges. And they don't all do that intentionally. But it is a direct consequence of the testosterone that runs through their body.
Men are born problem solvers
You process your emotions by talking about it. Or by relaxing. But men process their emotions by solving the "problem" behind it.
If you've ever had a relationship with a man, you know you can't tell him anything without him going into action mode. And it is very difficult to understand that you just want him to listen without acting.
If you add those two together, you realize how important it is to teach him to calm down. And not to act until you both have thought about the event.
Because if you have relationship problems, it is important to keep a cool head
When you become emotional, you will quickly light your husband. Certainly if you kick "drama" in his eyes, he will feel a huge need to argue with you. Simply because he wants an outlet and wants to tackle the problem.
But because a man shows less empathy when he is angry, he will do things that do not contribute to solving the problem. In addition, in many cases, just breathing a few times and relaxing for an hour works much better. And if an action is needed afterwards, then it will come.
That is why it is important to train your husband. Yes, this sounds a bit crude.
But see him as a pit bull, who is barking on the chain. You will occasionally have to teach him that it is better to lie down quietly, rather than jump up at the slightest or slightest and start to growl and bark.
What to do when you get emotional? This applies to both men and women.
Go exercise. It is scientifically proven that exercise burns the stress in your body. It is a proven remedy for depression and other psychological disorders, and works better than many medications. Then it also helps to get rid of the negative emotions that you have stored in your body.
Take a break. Make sure that you and your husband don't get stuck in a fight, but that you calm down first. You can do this together, but also alone.
In an emotional mood, focus on positive things. Watch a laugh movie, walk around if you like or play with the dog. Only when you have done something positive, and you feel better about it, is it time to look at the problem rationally and to get rid of it.
Tip 5: Take some time apart
Do you know how most divorces can be prevented? If you are not constantly in each other's presence. There is a big secret that relationship therapists don't want you to know.
Spending more time together does not work. At tip 7 you learn what works. But right now it is enough to know that simply spending more time does not automatically lead to an improvement in the relationship.
Many couples who are married change more into a kind of team. There are children to raise. Jobs to go to. Obligations that must be met.
When you are in that phase, you have something else to do other than having fun with each other. And because of the frustrations of everyday life you can get bored with each other. That is why it is very healthy to spend at least a month each year in your relationship without each other.
Go for complete radio silence. That means that you do not exchange messages, and that you do not stalk each other via social media. The intention is that you become completely psychologically separate from each other.
Go on holiday without your partner. You can then come to yourself completely and organize your thoughts. And if you choose a nice destination, you will see some of the world too.
Give your partner the space to develop hobbies on their own. And do the same yourself. That way you have a life apart. And the relationship becomes an addition to that, instead of being the exact opposite.
Solve moments when you are not together for a weekend. Do this with some regularity, so that you release pressure from the boiler. This also responds to the male need to feel calm in the relationship.
As I mentioned earlier, the male need for rest is enormous. This is actually always greater than his need for support. It is one of the most frequently heard complaints from men in relationships.
So you not only ensure that you get some time apart, but also that your husband can charge his battery.
If your relationship is heading for a divorce, you are more likely to be happy if you spend time apart. This is at odds with the advice not to deviate from each other in such a case.
And do you know why it works?
Taking distance ensures that you will miss each other. During relationship problems it is not about getting closer to each other. It is often precisely the cause of the problems.
Instead, you want you to miss each other.
If you spend less time together, the desire for each other can be rekindled. So that when you come together, there is a bit of fire. And not from a cowardly flame.
Tip 6: Strengthen your social network
Your husband is unlikely to be able to do many things… and unlikely a lot of things either.
That way he can't be your prince, best friend, mother, colleague and sports buddy at the same time. That would be a bit too much of a good thing. That is why it is important to have a social network where you can find support.
That you spend more time with your friends. You don't have to talk about the relationship. But you ensure that those ties become stronger again. So you can recharge when you get back to your husband.
That you turn on the support of family. Explain to them what is going on, and do this especially with people you know are not going to interfere. It's not about getting advice, but about being able to tell your story and have a good time for the rest.
Undertake things and find hobbies with which you have contact with other people. In this way you ensure that your social needs outside the relationship are satisfied. And so you are not dependent on your husband for your social happiness.
All these little things make it easier to solve your relationship problems
You take a lot of pressure off his shoulders, because you have several people around you who can support you.
And at the same time it gives you more room to work together on the solution of your relationship problems.
And what this solution is? That is something very different than you think.
Tip 7: Do positive things
Do you know what almost everyone does, but what does not help?
It is one of the biggest irritations for most people. Yet we all participate, and we never correct each other.
If you have relationship problems, it is important to remove as much pressure as possible from the boiler. And how you do that is by complaining as little as possible.
Men experience this as a drama. Be positive, don't complain and limit the drama.
Suppose you come back after a long day of work, and take a deep breath. Maybe you say something like "It was a tough day."
Because a man always communicates in facts and not in emotions…
… is his natural response: "What should I do with this information?"
For him this is already a form of drama. Which it is difficult for him to handle. So try to avoid this. Instead, you better bring it positively.
Because when you come in and say: "Hey, darling, long day. Do you want to hold me? "
Then he really wants to hug you.
Men may not like negativity, but they do love you. So if you limit the drama and just ask him what you need, then he is just happy to assist you. He is like that again.
Make the time you spend as fun as possible. If you spend a long time together and experience relationship problems, you can forget why you are together in the first place. And that's just because you make each other happy.
You are together because it makes you happier than being alone. So that means it makes sense to make your time together as enjoyable as possible.
Focus on doing fun things. And if you haven't done that for a while, make it your mission to go out together and find new things that you like.
You don't have to think about earth-shattering things here.
But trying out new things is a nice bonus. Even if you go to a different restaurant than where you normally go. Or do you take a beach walk instead of a forest walk?
And with everything you do, your question may be: "Are we doing this because we're used to it, or because it's fun?"
Tip 8: Continue to show affection to each other
Even in times when you are arguing, it is important to treat each other with love.
Yes, I understand that this is difficult when the crockery flies through the room and he calls you a witch with cauliflower ears. But when the storm has subsided again, put a hand on his arm and say "hey honey".
Be physical with him.
It calms him and so do you. Science has shown that every person is sensitive to touch, and that it has a calming effect on the nervous system.
And do you know what you absolutely must do to score bonus points? Have sex with each other. It's another thing that is incredibly important for men in a relationship. He needs sex to feel good about himself.
Do you remember the story about his great ego? Well, sex is a huge part of that. If you can give him sex that validates his ego, you help him deal better with relationship problems.
His ability to put things into perspective and the will to tackle the problems will only increase if he is satisfied with your activities in bed. It is a good way to ensure that it comes right between you.
So don't be afraid to start there if it all goes a bit difficult.
Tip 9: Do you make each other happy?
Maybe I should have mentioned this tip first. It is the difference between a successful and an unsuccessful marriage.
But this is the most important question that you and your partner can ask yourself. If the other person does not make you happy, it makes little sense to stay together. No matter how much you love each other.
It is perfectly possible to have a relationship with someone or to fall in love with someone who does not make you happy. And if you stay with that person, that has far-reaching consequences:
You are slowly destroying yourself. In such a case you literally choose accident. And that is a high price to pay for love.
There are also people on this globe who you can love and who love you, and who can make you happy too.
But as long as you stay in your dysfunctional relationship, you will never get to know it.
You don't have to worry that you will never find someone. Thousands of relationships go out every day, and all those people find a new person again.
Sometimes it is good if a marriage falls. Does it lead to more happiness in life? Then, as far as I'm concerned, it can't break soon enough.
But if you are convinced that you can become happy with this man… and he is convinced that he can become happy with you, then carry out my tips religiously. You will see that the chance of a divorce is considerably smaller. So that you can live happily ever after.
These were my tips on how to save your marriage from divorce. It is a very difficult situation, so take your time to make a good choice.
Do you decide to fight for your marriage?
Then prepare yourself for a tough fight. Undoubtedly tears will fall and egos have to be put aside, but if you are convinced that you are made for each other… then it's all worth it.